Funny Slut Tote Bags That Carry It All—Including Your Dirty Sense of Humor
Slut fashion isn’t just about crop tops, thigh highs, or leather. Sometimes, your wildest statement comes in canvas. That’s right—we’re talking about funny slut tote bags: oversized, unapologetic, and designed to hold everything, from your phone charger to your sex toys to your shame (just kidding—you left that at home, remember?).
These totes are equal parts functional and filthy. They blend cheeky humor, NSFW slogans, and feminist rage with everyday utility. You can take them to the grocery store, the dungeon, your third sneaky link of the week—or all three in one day. They’re not trying to be subtle. They’re trying to be unforgettable.
So, whether you’re looking for a gift that says “I respect you and your slut phase” or want to carry your kink gear in something that screams personality, we’ve got you. Let’s dive into the wild world of tote bags that are funny, slutty, and way too real.
1. Why Slut Totes Are Having a Moment
Totes have always been the go-to bag for people who need to carry a lot and care a little less about polish. But now, with sex-positive fashion booming, the humble canvas tote has become a blank slate for expression—especially filthy, funny expression.
Why do these bags hit so hard?
- They’re unexpected. Most people associate totes with libraries and farmers markets. Which makes it that much funnier when yours says, “Certified Cumslut.”
- They’re useful AF. Gym clothes, condoms, rope, wine, lube, crochet kit, three half-read smut novels—you name it, it fits.
- They travel well. Fold it up. Unleash it. Let the world know you’re a hot mess with organized compartments.
- They break the ice. People either laugh, blush, or ask where you got it. All three are wins.
In short: slutty tote bags are slutcore’s secret weapon.
2. Top 15 Slutty, Funny Tote Bag Slogans That Go Hard
Let’s start with the slogans. These are the head-turners, the one-liners, the reasons people do a double take while you casually grab oat milk.
1. “Full of Red Flags and Lube”
Because why hide it? You’re emotionally chaotic and well-prepared.
2. “My Toys Don’t Need Batteries—Just Consent”
A feminist zinger with kink energy. Pair with Doc Martens and a bratty glare.
3. “Ask Me About My Throat Skills”
That’s called marketing, baby.
4. “Slut Stuff”
Minimalist. Mysterious. Threatening. A vibe.
5. “My Aftercare Kit Is in Here. So Are My Regrets.”
For subs, switches, and those who definitely cried after the last scene.
6. “Used Condoms, Unused Standards”
It’s funny because it’s… not a joke?
7. “Certified Homewrecker”
Shouldn’t be funny. But somehow, you pulled it off.
8. “I Came, I Saw, I Left My Underwear”
Perfect for walk-of-shame excellence and sex-positive storytelling.
9. “Don’t Talk to Me Unless You Eat Ass”
A boundary and a preference—printed in bold Helvetica.
10. “This Bag Is Full of Dirty Laundry (Literally and Emotionally)”
Raw. Real. Resonates with sluts and therapists.
11. “Brat Pack Official Merch”
For the switchy girlies who just want to be choked and spoiled.
12. “You Wish You Were What’s Inside This Bag”
It’s giving arrogant. It’s giving earned.
13. “Definitely Not a Dungeon Bag (Wink)”
The tote equivalent of a trench coat with a sex swing underneath.
14. “Sexually Active, Socially Selective”
For sluts who still hate group chats.
15. “SLUT” (But in cursive, with florals)
Because some things don’t need an explanation.
3. Who’s Carrying These—and Where They’re Going
These totes belong to the loud, proud, and playfully perverse. You’ll find them slung over shoulders at:
- Queer bars and kink nights
- Sex-positive retreats or workshops
- Pride parades and protests
- Third-wave feminist book clubs
- Your local Trader Joe’s (yes, with the “Eat Pussy Not Animals” patch)
Who’s rocking them?
- Switchy baddies who bring impact toys to brunch
- Femme tops who carry both a strap-on and a poetry zine
- Messy dommes who need snacks, a vibe change, and emergency mascara
- Subby nerds whose bags contain D&D dice, lube, and three vibrators
- Soft sluts who cry during aftercare and collect affirmations like candy
It’s not about role—it’s about energy. If you laugh at your own filth and still get things done, this bag is your spirit animal.
4. Tote Bag Materials and Features: Slut-Grade Specs
A good slut tote isn’t just hot—it’s built to perform. Here’s what you should look for when shopping:
✔️ Sturdy Canvas
You’re carrying weight. That includes:
- Bottled water
- Paddle
- Emotional baggage
- Your next outfit (or lack thereof)
Look for heavy-duty cotton (12oz+), ideally pre-shrunk and reinforced at the seams.
✔️ Shoulder-Friendly Straps
You might be hauling this thing through a dungeon or across town. Make sure it’s comfy—even when loaded with a gallon of cum jokes.
✔️ Inner Pockets
One for condoms, one for lipstick, one for your vape. You’re a slut, not disorganized.
✔️ Washability
Because something will eventually spill. Be honest with yourself.
✔️ Optional Zippers
Sluts need security too. Especially when that “aftercare blanket” is your favorite hoodie.
5. Best Ways to Style a Slut Tote Bag (Day or Night)
These bags are surprisingly versatile—if you know how to style them.
🕶️ Daytime Casual Slut
- Oversized tee with a flirty phrase
- Bike shorts or ripped jeans
- Slut tote + sunglasses + iced coffee
- Bonus points for a visible vibrator outline
🖤 Night Out Kink Babe
- Mini dress or mesh set
- Harness peeking out
- Thigh-highs or boots
- Tote swinging behind you like a warning sign
📚 Submissive But Scholarly
- Soft sweater, pleated skirt
- Collar as accessory
- “Slut Stuff” tote full of notebooks, lube, and legal pads
🩷 Brat Fairy Princess
- Pastel babydoll dress
- Platform shoes
- Glitter makeup
- “Full of Red Flags and Lube” tote worn like it’s a tiara
6. Where to Buy Funny Slut Tote Bags That Don’t Suck
Some places just get it. Others sell “I love boobies” in Comic Sans. Let’s steer clear of the latter.
🖤 In Vein Clothing
Their slutwear is next-level. Canvas bags with witty, well-designed slogans that feel like memes, fashion, and protest signs all at once.
🛒 Etsy (With Caution)
Great for one-of-a-kind designs or personalization. Search terms like:
- “slut tote bag”
- “kink tote funny”
- “NSFW feminist bag”
Look for:
- 5-star ratings
- Quality cotton or recycled materials
- Sellers who actually understand the humor
🌐 Redbubble, Society6, or Threadless
Indie artists galore. Slogans range from raunchy to cerebral. And you can usually pick the size, color, or even order a matching pouch.
7. Want to DIY One? Here’s How to Make It Your Own
If you’ve got a blank tote and a filthy mind, you’re halfway there.
🖊️ Fabric Markers or Paint
Write what you really want it to say:
- “Hold My Aftercare Blanket”
- “No Thoughts, Just Orgasms”
- “Strap-On and Go”
🧵 Embroider It
Gorgeous, durable, and craftcore slut approved. Try:
- A single word (“Brat”)
- A phrase stitched in script
- Your favorite safe word in Morse code
📎 Accessorize the Hell Out of It
- Button that says “Free Use Enthusiast”
- Pin that reads “Submissive but Stubborn”
- Keychain with a mini flogger
Bonus: The more you decorate, the more likely it is to turn strangers into co-conspirators.
8. Best Gift Ever? Absolutely. Here’s How to Pick the Right One
Shopping for a slutty friend with a sense of humor? A tote bag is the perfect combo of personal, functional, and chaotic.
Match the tote to their vibe:
For the Emotional Slut:
- “This Bag Contains Aftercare and Trauma”
For the Domme with Jokes:
- “Brat Handler Starter Kit”
For the Loud Gay Slut:
- “Bottoms Carry the World (and the Strap-On)”
For the Femme Who’s Always 3 Minutes Late:
- “Sorry I’m Late—I Was Busy Being a Whore”
For the Bookworm Sub:
- “My Favorite Position Is Reading… After You Ruin Me”
It’s slutty, it’s thoughtful, it’s the equivalent of a hug and a slap.
9. The Psychology of Carrying a Slut Tote Bag
On the surface, it’s just a bag. But let’s get deep for a second.
Carrying a slutty tote:
- Affirms your identity. You’re not hiding your humor or your desire.
- Reclaims public space. Sluts exist, shop, and organize groceries too.
- Challenges shame. Why shouldn’t you carry lube and literature together?
- Builds community. The people who get it… get you.
It’s not just funny—it’s defiant. It’s slut pride in tote form.
10. Closing Thoughts: Carry It All—Carry It Proud
A funny slut tote bag isn’t about being crass for the sake of it. It’s about:
- Carrying your pleasure and your personality
- Being bold, filthy, hilarious, and unbothered
- Reminding the world that sexual people aren’t shallow—they’re just funnier than most
- Turning an everyday item into a walking punchline, protest sign, and thirst trap
So whether you’re hauling groceries, paddles, or your fifth failed situationship of the month, do it with a tote that speaks your truth.
Because let’s face it—your sense of humor is filthy. And this bag? Carries it beautifully.